Tag Archives: happiness

Flinging Ourselves Into The Deep Blue

There are so many decisions to make and so many moments in my life where I feel unqualified to make them.

I’m not prone to asking for help and I feel ill at ease when in another’s debt. Yet, we all come across situations where decisions are time sensitive, life altering and mostly they make you feel like you’re about to fling yourself into the Deep Blue. And honestly? I’m scared. Scared at what I will do as much as I’m scared at what I won’t do.

Movies can make matters so simple. A thought, a motivational speech, perhaps a stranger on a bus telling you Dude, it’s your life! And that end decision that’s made in a dash – that cliché moment where all is right and credits roll. No showing the consequences on the people we affect without realising on a daily basis.
Just forget that that stranger on the bus doesn’t know your life. That they’re facing crap too outside of the bus and most probably just quoting a movie watched by all and sprouting ideologies all viewers will begin to believe.

I want to make my decision. I always want to make it myself, and thankfully always have. So I’ll never be able to blame anyone but me. And I can have the pleasure of staying firm upon it because I, myself chose it.

But I’m still queasy of the Deep Blue. And I want the familiar surrounding of my parents love that I have never spent a moment without.

Is this growing up? Is this what movies try to portray? Because frankly they’re doing it wrong and they’re giving the worst advice. Real life gives you joy in unease and unease in joy. It concocts the happiness we seek with the past we shy away from. And it meshes the happiness of the past with the future with shy way from. Deep Blue Unknown.

I pray that whichever decision is made is the best. And that all resulting consequence are for the absolute best. Ameen.

Yes, My Plans Reject Me but I AM NOT YOU.

A idea, a pamphlet, a distraction

it becomes embedded my my nerves as well.

I plan. Plan so much; routes, times, lists, pictures, speech.

And when the day hits I go.

Mostly.

When I do what do I feel? Happy? Content?

Like I have finally achieved something?

Perhaps it’s just that I left comfort, done something. Found a Me.

Made a draft that I painted in full.

Because when it doesn’t happen I feel death.

I feel a heart crumpled, a vein blocked.

A mind melded to a lumped throat

Drawings of routes, times, lists, pictures and speech useless.

A waste.

Crying won’t help so don’t go about sad.

Plot. Plan more. Keep doing it again and again and again until I plan Perfection.

I plan Happiness.

I plan Contentment.

One day I will find Me.

and you? You can just watch. You can chat, misunderstand, hate or even be wiser than me.

But me? I will have done life.

I pray my Lord stays with me. Always.