Frustrated

Frustration.

Pure unadulterated bloody effing frustration.

It’s like I take a step and 5 more doors slam on me, bolted shut and bounced by the bodyguard of bureaucracy.

We live, looking to the future, always thinking (even subconsciously) of the best. Hoping and being told over and over again that there is Always Hope. That when life hands you lemons you go and make some bloody lemonade.

But, what if your luck is so terrible that even those lemons you’re handed aren’t ripe? That the zesty sour citrus is actually achingly acidic?

I’m dousing this entry with pessimism I know.

I had intended to make a post about successfully living through the first three weeks of college with the juggling of work and travel, and all the happiness I feel in being able to take on Adcanced Maths (so so SO very happy by the way).

But word must come as my fingers fly over this well selected keyboard, and they do, a will of their own and I will conclude this post with these words.

Working for your dream, for the chances that should appear but never do, is damn fricking hard!

I suppose that’s why success is said to be so sweet.

BUT will success ever truly be satisfactory? Will not our mind seek to pursue more? Human nature being ungrateful as it is, never content with the walkway, the escalator, the elevator or even a bloody cherry picker. We want to reach that star and there will always be more stars beyond that.

I’m obviously in a very optimistic mood here.

I pray to my Lord that He keeps me content, that He makes me thankful with what I have and always be happy with even the little successes in life. Ameen.

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Waiting is the Watchword

Waiting. 

That’s the keyword for today.

Wait for the hot water. Wait for the sun to rise. Wait for the tea to cool. Wait for a bus. Wait out fellow commuters slugging along Longford. Wait for the end of assembly. Wait for the next colleague. Wait for the test to end for surely these seconds could pass for minutes.  Wait for another bus. Wait for my door to open. Wait for my ride. Wait for that receptionist. Wait for a dozen incorrect logins to verify. Wait for salaah to begin. Wait for this lab door to open. Wait for it all to begin.
…and yes my list may have ended there, as my teacher came along and finally unlocked the lab, but sadly it was not the end of my wait.
However, the real cherry on the Waiting Pie? You never asked, but I will nonetheless reply: The third bus of my day.

That 20A national express that sped away from campus as I stepped out its “convenient” automatic doors. Leaving me to wonder around aimlessly for 32 minutes.
Why, thank you Coventry for the regular prompt rotation of buses.

And here I am unable to a acknowledge that these choices I’ve made are for the best.

Because here on this bus where I sit (the fifth bus of the day) my empty stomach and medicated mind wonder: Why does my head feel sucked up of all air? Barren. And yet heavy too, in all its stillness. Like the wide expanse of a parched desert-scape, airless and stifling, only accepting the stark, unforgiving rays of the scalp. Tightening.  This is how I found my coherency (much later); tangled and strained. As for the goals I had? Well those I’m sure will come back to me once I breathe again.

In hindsight, as I read over this entry I realise much of it may seem incoherent and exaggerated. But reader understand that the human being is complex and every one of our minds holds the capacity for infinite combinations and variations.

It just so happens that on this day my mind, body and soul felt used up. I do not apologise (except to my health). I do believe however, that every tear, strength of will and challenge that we shed, show and solve can only make us all the more stronger.

Here’s to us all on the days where Brain and Body rage war on Ambition. Kisses and Hugs on the house.

And through all difficulty and every ease we should turn to the Most High. I pray that I always do. That the Angels above become so attuned to my voice that even my whisper of help (or happiness) brings forth the rushing response from Above. Ameen Ya Rabul’Alameen.

and unto you Peace.

Fantasy Bucket List (Sci-Fi, Epic and Action)

My personal hardback section of fantasy fiction.
My personal hardback section of fantasy fiction.

This is a genre I love delving into. Call it being mindless to the reality that surrounds us or a subconscious need for adventure but the world of the unknown plays a huge role in my world. And for humans to put pen to paper and create epic new continents, creatures and characters is something of a miracle.

I don’t care what you say, IMAGINATION is magic. (This is true in both beautiful and horrific ways.)

Here goes: (AN: If I want to read a series I simply list the first book.)

  1. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
  2. Enders Game by Orson Scott Card
  3. Leviathan Wakes by James. S. A. Corey
  4. The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan
  5. Golden Son by Pierce Brown (Release date in 2015)
  6. Emperor: The Gates of Rome by Conn Iggulden
  7. Wolf of the Plains by Conn Iggulden
  8. Bitterblue by Kristin Cashore
  9. Wool by Hugh Howey
  10. The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson
  11. Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson
  12. The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson
  13. The Left Hand of God by Paul Hoffman
  14. The Time Machine by HG Wells
  15. The Winner’s Curse by Marie Rutkoski

Also, if there are any books that you really enjoyed then please do recommend them! Thanks x

Interview? Conversation? Dude, Just Pass Over a Manual. A Test Sheet Is Also Welcome…

I don’t think I could class it as an interview.

Perhaps because my experiences with formal interviews (and their subsequent etiquettes) are pretty rusty, practically corroded. Either way there were questions but not unlike a conversation.

Is it usually a conversation? This freaks me out.

There should be a manual for these things. Which I probably wouldn’t read, after all I didn’t even write a list.

I’d like to know which words, feelings and thoughts are appropriate.

Never before this have I expressed an interest in studying psychology. Then I’d be able to psychoanalyse every reaction. Scratch that. I still DO NOT want to study psychology.

I’d die. [queue appropriate melodramatic melody]

But K (my sister) said something I’m very thankful for yesterday, amongst many other great things: “Everyone’s experience is different” and that I am not like sister A. She also stated that my mums knows this.

This brought me more comfort than she’ll ever know.

Because if we spend life thinking we should feel like this or we should be acting like that person, or she did it this way so it much be the way then how on earth will we be able to evolve and is not the way of true worship to live your life with all its whites, darks and colours yet still find Allaah? Building that connection with my Lord through all He gives me and all I try to give in return? I pray that whatever happens is for the best, that it is accepted by my Lord and my those that matter.

I pray that the result is a source of salvation and eternal happiness, joy and contentment. Ameen thuma Ameen. and unto you Peace.

Poetry and Play Bucket List

A section of my growing personal poetry collection.
A section of my growing personal poetry collection.

The thing with my reading of poetry is that I do not have fixed readings. My ideal poetry book is a sickly thin paperback written (and at time self published) by unrecognisable poets and play writes. Those slim volumes that amount to no mass attention, yet often speak is the most brilliant of ways to me. I find that they often give the term hidden gem a whole world of tangible meaning.

However, until I find more “gems”, here are a list of poems and plays I look forward to reading one day…

  1. Howl by Allen Ginsberg
  2. The Complete Collected Poems by Maya Angelou
  3. Beowulf: A New Translation by Seamus Heaney
  4. Jerusalem by Jez Butterworth
  5. Mojo by Jez Butterworth
  6. The Skin of Our Teeth by Thornton Wilder
  7. The History Boys by Alan Bennet
  8. The Last Night of the Earth Poems by Charles Bukowski
  9. Cuckoo Calling: A Book of Verse for Youthful People by E.V.Rieu
  10. The Flattered Flying Fish and Other Poems by E.V.Rieu
  11. Love & Misadventure by Lang Leav
  12. The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
  13. Collected Poems by Sylvia Plath

And I cannot express how desperately I want to own, hold and devour Beat Poets by Carmela Cuirara.

Book Bucket List [Classics and Early Century Novels)

My ever ready and oh so helpful book lists, kept at hand since I was a teen.
My ever ready and oh so helpful book lists, kept at hand since I was a teen.

Yes, some are not classics but surely they’re a far cry from my YA, NA and Epic Fantasy reads? Therefore, according to the taxonomy of bH, they go in this list:

  1. 1984 by George Orwell
  2. Beloved – Toni Morrison
  3. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stellenson
  4. Franny and Zooey by J.D.Salinger
  5. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
  6. Ulysses by James Joyce
  7. Animal Farm by George Orwell
  8. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
  9. Factotum by Charles Bukowski
  10. Wuthering Heights by Charlotte Bronte
  11. Slaughterhouse – Five by Kurt Vonnegut
  12. Washington Square by Henry James
  13. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
  14. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
  15. The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

that Room with a bed

A mirror

The door

The bed

Shelves, obviously.

radiator

and carpet

and duvet

and window.

Fan with

chargers.

Bags

printer

books and

more books,

pens

and a cup

boxes

a bin.

Clothes

cardigans,

jackets,

jumpers.

Dresses

tee’s

gadgets

books

then laptop

with glasses.

Coaster

candles

lantern

map.

Calender

timetable

cork board

and toiletries

wipes

and meds.

Pillows

on lights

above more

then more

folders

papers

books

me.